Saturday, June 14, 2003
Well it's been a while. Nothing much is new. I'm looking forward to going home in a couple weeks for my sister's grad. Then we're going up north to stay for a few days and relax. My boyfriends is going to come feed my cat while I'm gone. Hopefully they can both do without me for the week.
my lack of money and reluctance to look for a job (well, not just reluctance, it really isn't practical at this point; I'm going on holidays soon and then I'll only have less than 2 months left of summer) has got me thinking about doing "live web shows" again. Of the erotic variety. I made a lot of money that way a couple of years ago. I thought I would never do it again but maybe it's not such a big idea. Get paid the big bucks to roll around on my bed naked? It's not bad. I applied to a couple of sites; we'll see what happens.
I got rollerblades. I'm starting to be able to do it pretty well considering I've only practiced 3 times. Should be fun once I'm an expert!
I don't feel like writing anything else. Some record of my life huh?
posted at 9:30 PM - comments
Monday, May 19, 2003
I wrote a very long entry the other day, but then blogger fucked up and I lost it. It was about the drama at work, how the assistant manager quit and the manager completely lost my trust. But I don't feel like writing it all out again so that will have to do. Now I have all of the assistant's hours until we find someone else. It's good; I need the money. However, the week after next I am scheduled to work 48 hours. That's a little excessive. I hope it's not too long until we hire someone else.
My mentally unstable, immature, completely messed-up psycho ex is whining in his journal that it's been 1.5 years since we broke up and I still won't answer his emails. Um, think it's about fucking time you stopped emailing me? he was the complete opposite of my current bf - insecure, unstable, disrespectful, irresponsible and he did a lot of horrible shit to me when I left him, like cancelling my student loan and having the police investigate me for child porn (obviously nothing ever came of it, but it was an unpleasant experience).
I don't know why I'm still writing here as though it's intended for an outside audience. No one is going to read it - this is supposed to be a personal record for my own purposes. I guess it's online because I don't mind if someone reads it, and comments, but it's not necessary for strangers to think it's interesting or even to understand what the hell I'm talking about. Must be the few years of online journalling that has made me write this way. I need to practice being more open and personal and less artful.
This summer I want to do some more art - I wanted to do the same thing last summer but i think I only did 2 drawings the whole time. I have an idea for a piece depicting a girl on the outskirts of a forest, and apart from a group of other girls (women, whatever) closely connected, bonded and sharing. I want to show the isolation of the individual but I'm not sure what kind of style I can adopt or how to do it without making it corny or contrived or too thought over or too obvious or too childish. Myabe I'll do several versions in ifferent media and different methods and see what works. It's not like I'm going to sell it in a gallery or anything anyway, as long as I can gt it so that I'm happy with it.
I want it to represent the way I feel when I see people interacting and I don't have those same kinds of relationships. The only kinds of associations I have with other females my age who are not related to me are at work, and there are only a few there. I think I need to open myself up in areas besides my writing. Maybe when school starts again I can develop some friendships - I don't know how I'll be able to do it before then.
Well I haven't accomplished much today. I went for a walk. I'm going to get some rollerblades, hopefully this week, although I don't suppose I'll have much time or energy to use them for a while yet. I'm starting to obsess about my weight and body so maybe I'll do something healthy about it. I don't know if it's condition is better or worse than I think it is. I'm okay at this point but I don't want to get a lot heavier as I get older.
I think I'll go write a letter to a high school friend and one to my grandma, that I have been meaning to write for months.
posted at 3:58 PM - comments
Monday, May 12, 2003
I bought a filing cabinet today for $25. I'm going to spray paint it yellow so that it looks nicer. my room has lots of different girly colours in it so I think that another one won't hurt. I alos bought some stuffing and I made 4 pillows for the living room. Makes it look nicer but I still really need a coffee table, and then I'll be good. Oh, except for curtains. I was thinking about denim because some of the pillows are demin and that way it would match. Maybe not too expensive either.
My boyfriend drove me around to several places to find all this stuff. What a nice boy. He gets off work at 1:30 am and we both have the day off tomorrow so I'm going to drive over once he lets me know that he's home. I'm getting tired already. I hope I can last that long! I ate a lot today (way too much) so I should have the energy, I would think.
posted at 11:22 PM - comments
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Tonight I'm watching the miniseries of Pride and Prejudice. It's really good actually; one of the few dramatized books that I've actually enjoyed. I like the book a lot too.
I think I'm going to borrow a VCR from my boyfriend because I get a little bored here. I didn't get cable this summer, to save a few bucks, so I only have 4 channels and they're not very good ones. None of the major networks. It's kind of good to have to force myself to do something besides watch TV though. I did way too much of that in the last year.
I don't have a lot else to write today. Certainly nothing snarly.
Well actually, one of the girls at work quit yesterday. I got along well with her but she wasn't the model employee. It's actually good in a way because I'm getting most of her hours until we find someone new, and god knows I can use the money. I need to buy several things for my apartment but I just can't afford to right now.
I hope I didn't make anything awkward with my boyfriend. Well, we will see. He has a day off from work on Tuesday so I imagine I will see him then. I usually do. We will see if anything changes - hopefully only for the better.
I think that tomorrow I will go to a couple of stores and see if I can find a cheap coffee table, as well as a few other things.
posted at 11:07 PM - comments
Saturday, May 10, 2003
I don't expect many readers for my journal because I'm not going to tell anyone I know about it, and I'm going to keep it anonymous. I've just been too lazy to bother writing in my paper journal (which I really prefer to a blog, but it's just not happening) so maybe having something on the computer will motivate me. I want to have a record of things that I do because I tend to forget details from my own life so it's nice to go back and refresh my memory. I guess I could just record my thoughts in a text file or something on the computer, but a blog is just a little more fun and, besides, I've wanted an excuse to use this banner graphic that I made a year ago.
So here's a quick review of my life at this point: I'm looking for a second job. I currently work in a mall, in a store that sells luggage and purses, etc. It's a shitty job . . . not because of the work, just because I get paid minimum wage and I actually work pretty damned hard. I'm only getting 15-20 hours a week and that barely pays the bills, let alone allows me to eat on a regular basis, so I need more. The jobs are scarce here so I'm looking at other retail positions, as much as I dislike it. I've worked in food service before, and although I think I could easily get a job doing that again, which paid slightly more, I just hate it so much that I can't bring myself to do it. Today I'm going to drop off my resume at a kiosk in the mall and hope for the best. It pays more than what I'm getting now, and I think that what the job mostly entails is sitting on a chair and looking bored (that seems to be what most of the people working at them do).
Besides work, I just moved into a three bedroom apartment by myself. Two others will be moving in at the beginning of September, but until then I'm alone, although they are still paying their share of the rent. It's taking a while to get used to being alone so much (other than my cat's presence). Even though I didn't really like the last roommates I had, it was nice to just know that someone else was around sometimes. The place is kind of a dump, but once I get rid of the ants it should be okay, I guess. My room is huge and I had the walls painted a wonderful blue-purple, so I like that at least.
I'm currently dating a great guy (I'll write more basic info. about him some other time). Yesterday I kind of freaked out about how he felt about me. I had no idea really - he says I love you but he's not very affectionate etc. so I was just confused. I ended up emailing him at work because when I talked to him, he was just on his way out and he suggested it. But he wrote back and reassured me quite well so I feel much better. He said he will try to show more physical affection, and that would help too. Because other than that I really have no complaints.
Well I should get ready for work and make something to eat before I go too. I'm not very hungry now but by the time I get back at 9:30, I'm sure I will be.
posted at 3:34 PM - comments
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